Just a Little Update

I've been doing pretty well lately.  It does seem that every day I will wake up with a new pain somewhere, but it doesn't last too long (a couple days).  But overall, I am feeling better.  It is hard for me, because every time I have a new pain, I worry A LOT.  I am pretty sure most of my new pain is just from over use or using a muscle i haven't used in months.  I have my next round of scans on December 8, so please PRAY for me.  Pray that they don't find anything new and my cancer is shrinking. Please pray for my healing, seriously, I'm so nervous.  I don't want them to find anything new.  The lump in my breast is shrinking, which should mean the other cancer is shrinking as well, but you never know.  I am still trying to be positive and have inner peace.  Kyle and I went to see Kara Tippets speak last Monday and she was amazing.  She wrote the book The Hardest Peace.  If you haven't read it, I recommend it. She talks a lot about having inner peace throughout her struggle with her Stage 4 cancer and her relationship with Jesus.  This is still new to me (3 months now!), so I am still trying to have that inner peace and strength that Kara does.  I am still in the process of questioning everything.  Is this really happening?  What if the medicine doesn't work? How long will I live?  I have an endless amount of questions.  While I am excited to see Jesus and my baby Valerie and my Meme, I want to see my Lilly & Landon grow up, I need to.  I've decided to make this Christmas the best ever.  I want the kids to have a wonderful Christmas with great memories.  I want every day now to be special with my kiddos.  I've decided to take each day and make it the best day I could have.  I am really enjoying the small things that I took for granted before.  I've discovered I love laying in my bed watching TV and eating Sour Patch Kids after the kids go to bed. LOL. Last night we went out to dinner and to see Christmas lights and it was just the best evening.  I was so happy. 

I can eat now!!! Really, really eat everything! I was having the hardest time eating.  I had to force myself to eat anything and of course I lost 2 more lbs when I went to the doc a couple weeks ago.  Down to 111.  That is like my high school days.  My doc put me on a new medicine and it is amazing.  I love to eat again!! I'm sure i've put on a few lbs by now.  I've been eating a LOT!  Please continue to pray for my healing.  Thank you all again for the cards, donations, and well wishes. 

I know i haven't blogged in a long time, so i thought i would update today.  Things are going well.  My radiation is over and right now I am just doing hormone therapy.  I get a shot once a month and take a medicine called Tamoxifen every day.  The bones in my hip and back are still growing and getting stronger.  Its hard to believe that in July I was walking around with bone fractures in my lower back and hip! I could barely walk and trying to take care of Lilly & Landon, keep my house clean, make dinner, etc....all by myself since Kyle was at work during the day and in class at night. I would have kept going until I fell down with a broken hip!  I finally broke down and called my mom and told I just couldn't do it anymore!  I couldn't pick up landon or even reach down to get the clothes out of the dryer!  I am still in some pain, but am off all pain medicine.  I am still using my walker (and hating it!). I don't want people to stare or feel sorry for me or wonder why a 31 year old woman has to use a walker.  Last night we had dinner out at Applebees. Lilly spilled her chocolate milk all over my lap and i was so embarrassed to walk out.  Did the 31 year old with a walker pee her pants too??  I just can't help but to have these thoughts.  I am trying so hard to stay positive though.  Even though I have Stage 4 cancer, I am hopeful for my future.  I still have my moments when I can't bear to think about what is happening. I have cancer that will never leave my body??  I will eventually have to have chemotherapy??  I know that everyone is dying and NO ONE can predict their tomorrow, but I just feel like my days are more numbered than most.  I can't help but feeling cancer (a horrible, terrible word I can barely say) is just a death sentence!!  When I get like this, Kyle is great at talking to me and saying all the right things.  He always helps put things in perspective and makes me feel good again. 
 I can't wait until the day I can pick Landon up again and not have a caretaker.  I LOVE my mother being here with me and am so thankful to have her, but I'm ready to get my life back.  I'm ready to be able to take care of my children, change landon's diaper, put him in his bed, make them dinner.....I'm getting there, slowly, but it is happening.  I stayed with Landon for a few hours today, and it was great! I am still working on getting my appetite back.  I can still just eat "light" foods and no dairy!! 
I want to thank EVERYONE who came to the benefit, donated to our medical bills (because we have a TON), bought my kids birthday presents, said a prayer, sent a card, brought a meal, etc.....  I am so thankful to have so many people pulling for me.  It means so much to me and brings me to tears just thinking about it.  Please just keep praying for this cancer to completely leave my body (I believe in miracles!!!). 

#wongstrong Benefit!

My benefit was this last Saturday night and it was just amazing.  There were so many people there!  It was so nice to see all of the people who love and care about me. It was also like a mini high school reunion.  People i haven't seen for 10+ years were there in support of me!  Like I said before, it was amazing. 

I am feeling a lot better lately.  I still get sick, but it is not all day long.  If I eat something too heavy it usually comes back up.  And i have to time my anti-nausea medicine perfectly around when I eat.  I have been sticking to soups and jello and crackers and that's pretty much it.  My pain is a lot better.  There is still a lot of pressure on my lower back when I get up, but that is pretty much it for the pain.  Kyle and i went to a couple stores the other day and it was such a good outing.  I used the cart instead of my walker and it just made me feel normal again.  Such a good feeling to feel normal again.  I can't wait to get rid of this walker!! Should only be a couple more weeks.  Once i get rid of the walker and can eat normally, I will be back in business :)  I can't wait to just get up and do things.  Clean up the kitchen, pick something up off the floor, walk up the stairs without assistance!! I am going in this week for another scan of my pelvis.  Please pray that it looks good!!  I also need to start gaining weight.  Believe it or not, I weighed 148 in July.  Right now I am about 115.  And believe it or not, I don't like my new, small body.  I wish I could go back to my normal weight and just be normal again.  But, sigh, this is my new normal.  Tamoxifen every day and shots once a month are my new normal.  But if it is keeping me alive, I'm cool with it!

This morning I woke up in a pretty good mood, so I put my contacts in and makeup on for the first time in over a month.  I was pretty proud of myself.  I had a doc appt at 9:30 at the Cancer Center this morning.  At the center I received fluids just to rehydrate my body and give me some energy, although this  afternoon I'm exhausted, so I'm not sure it worked!  I also met with one of my docs.  I decided to ask a question that i've been thinking about and some people have asked. Will I ever go in to remission?  The answer is sadly NO.  I will live and fight with this disease my entire life.  It has spread too far.  Once the cancer is in your bones, it is there for life!  I can use medicine to shrink it, but I will be on some sort of hormone therapy my entire life.  I will also have Chemo sometime in my life, when the hormone therapy stops working.  The doctor compared it to Diabetes. Diabetes 20 years ago might have a death sentence.  But now people are living with it every day.  That is what my Cancer will be like.  I will always fight it as long as I live.  I asked again (since last time I was mostly out of it) and the cancer is in my breast (which will NOT be removed because the cancer has already spread), my liver, and my bones-- a lot in my pelvis and spine, my upper leg, my shoulder, even my skull.  This cancer has spread!!!  To think I've been living with it for so long with no idea is crazy to me.  If my hip and back would not have started hurting, I would still be walking around here with no idea of the cancer!!!  Actually hopefully I would have had another mammogram by now to diagnose the breast cancer, but who knows? It went undetected for so long.  If any woman is reading this PLEASE get regular mammograms and do not take NO for an answer! If you think something is wrong, there probably is. Doctors do not know everything!  If I were more persistent, I would have been a year ahead on this thing and it might not have spread so much.  After hearing my diagnosis again today, I cried and probably ruined my make up.  I just hope I am able to live a long life with my husband and kiddos.  It will be a happy day when i can pick up my Landon again.  I miss my kids.  Yes they are here with me. But i miss our normal life: bathtime, bedtime, even changing diapers and especially just getting on the floor and playing with them.  In good news, I am trying to get my stomach back to normal.  It mostly is and i can eat somewhat normally now.  I am down to 120 lbs, which is like what I was when i started college.  I've officially lost all my baby weight...woohoo...what a way to do it.  If only I could go back to my 147lb healthy body :)  Although, i'm thinking it hasn't been very healthy lately.  Ok...enough complaining today. I'm still here, still alive, still breathing. Just got to keep remembering that.

Cancer.  I seriously can't believe I have cancer.  I am 31 years old, with my only major health problem being asthma.  I don't have time to have cancer!  I have 2 small children to raise, a husband and a home to take care of.  This sucks! I promise this whole post won't be about how much this sucks, but the first part does. I need to vent.

I sleep on the recliner part of my couch because it the most like a hospital bed.  It is the easiest way for me to get up and down.  I wear a back brace almost 24 hrs a day and it itches!  I walk to and from the bathroom with a walker.  I can't get dressed or shower or do anything by myself.  A small part because it hurts too much, the largest part because we are afraid my hip will BREAK if i put too much pressure on it or if i should fall.  I have NO appetite.  I could go on and on and continue to feel sorry for myself, but i will only allow myself to do that a small part of the day.  I have to accept this hiccup in my life and move forward, but it does suck.

I have had 3 radiation treatments.  These are not so bad, but I do have to lay flat on my back for about 20 minutes, which is just awful for me right now.  I have about 3 weeks left of every day radiation treatments.  They are supposed to shrink the cancer and rebuild the bone i have lost. My cancer will never die or completely leave my body.  Too much damage has been done.  What happens now is that it shrinks with radiation and with hormone therapy.  I will take meds for the rest of my life.  When my cancer becomes immune to the treatment, I will start another treatment.  I will hopefully be able to live a pretty normal life eventually. 

We have been blessed with so many loving people praying for us, making us meals, making donations to help with medical expenses, cleaning my house, running to the store for diapers, making a pitcher of my favorite iced tea, buying me special deodorant, etc....  My high school classmates are forming a benefit for me.  For ME?!!   I feel so honored and blessed that people care so much about me.  It is wonderful to know that i am loved so much.  Especially thankful for my husband, my mom, and mother in law.  They are behind the scenes helpers.  Day to day, bathing my kids, bathing me, laundry, etc...  My husband just said this morning as he was trying to do a million things at once, "How do people do this every day with no help??!!"  Hmmm....well i used to honey, crazy isn't it :)

Cancer

I received terrible news about 3 days ago. I have cancer. Stage 4 cancer.  I guess it began years ago. A small lump in my breast that went undetected for years. I am young, i have always had dense lumpy breasts anyway. Fast forward to last October. I noticed a lump. About walnut size and very tender. I scheduled a mammogram. I had the mammogram and they found nothing! I also had an ultrasound, again nothing. The doctors thought...it was hormones, and it should go away about 6 months. Fast forward even further.  Life happened, and I didn't think too much about it. Kyle started a law internship which unfortunately didn't come with insurance. We purchased our own short term insurance with a $5000 deductible. We tried very hard not to use it!  In July, I noticed the lump had gotten even bigger, but was no longer painful. Also in July I hurt my hip and my back on two different instances.  When August came, I could barely walk. I saw my doc twice, had an xray, received 2 rounds of pain pills and muscle relaxers. Nothing worked. I finally had an MRI on Thursday. I immediately received a call to come into the docs office for my results. He showed me my back and hip and all the cancer in both. It turns out my bones were so brittle from the cancer, I almost had to have a hip replacement Thursday night. I also had developed a fracture in my back.  Hence all the pain I have been in. I immediately met with cancer doctors and started more tests to see if it has spread even more.  I had a breast biopsy and it was confirmed that the cancer most definitely started in my my breast. I also have cancer in my lymph nodes as well.  I had another MRI, and 2 more different scans.  Right now, we are waiting on results to see if it has spread further. On Tuesday I will start radiation. The goal is to grow my bones and shrink the cancer with the radiation.  Then I will start chemo or hormone therapy.  I have looooong road ahead of me. It is not good.  And it turns out my breast lump was caused by estrogen, so every time I had a birth control pill, I was feeding it.  Right now, I am in a lot of pain. I can put no pressure on my bad hip, so I have to walk with a walker.  To even lift the walker, it puts a ton of pressure on my lower back and hurts so back with every step.  I can't do anything myself and need to be sitting or laying constantly. I am really only comfortable laying.  Please please pray for me.  I am trying to be so confident that everything will be ok, but my whole life has drastically changed.  I thought after going through everything with Valerie, I had hit my quota for bad things happening in my life, but apparently not.