Procrastinating
I feel like I am stalling and putting off all of the inevitable things that I need to do fairly soon. I am 27 weeks tomorrow with our little Valerie, and while it doesn't seem like i need to hurry to get these things done, i know i do. We have no idea how long Valerie will be with us. I know I could lose her at any time, either now, in a few weeks, at her birth, a week after her birth, etc.... Our main prayer right now is that she is born alive so that we can meet her. I would love for Lilly to meet her little sister and for the grandparents to meet her as well. Here are the things I need to do to prepare for Valerie's birth:
- Get maternity pictures taken
- Order her special outfits
- Make burial arrangements (how?, where?, etc....)
- Pack our hospital bags, one for us & one for sweet Valerie
- Get molds to take with us so that we can have her footprints and handprints
- Call Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep to arrange for a photographer to be at the hospital when she is born
- Mentally prepare to lose our baby (working on this one daily...)
- Prepare Lilly in case Valerie does not come home with us
- Solidify birth plan
I am the queen of procrastination. Always have been. I tend to put things off until the last second. Even when Lilly was born, I did not even think about giving birth until the time came. I was struggling to wash & put away all of her new baby clothes while having contractions the day before she was born. Hospital bags packed? No way...Kyle threw things in a bag right before we left. Car seat secured in car? Not until we were on our way to the hospital! So this is especially hard for me. I know I do not have the luxury of waiting on Valerie to arrive to get these things done. All of these things need to be done in advance, and i realize that, but i am just dreading doing every single one of those things. It makes our time with her seem like so much less. When we first found out the diagnosis, i still had like 4 1/2 months left until my due date. I now have probably 2 months, 2 1/2 at the most. I know if I asked, I could have help. My mom & Kyle's mom would do any of these things the second I asked, but I don't want help. I want to be able to do these things for Valerie myself, I just wish I didn't have to.
I don't want to do any of these things. I want to be buying adorable baby clothes, decorating her room, cleaning all of the baby things (carseat, toys, swing, pump, etc...), and getting so excited about her birth.
It's not fair.
2 comments:
Exactly...sooo not fair. Even though this situation is completely different than the first, just like the preperations for Lilly, she came regardless. Seriously, it seems like you SHOULD do these things and have them ready, but it won't matter. She will arrive when she wants, her life story has been mapped out regardless of what you have ready (outfit for going home or outfit for burial), and your family (and yourself) will concentrate on the things necessary: love and Valerie. I love when you post about her kicking and moving around. Enjoy those. Forget about the rest. You'll be able to get a carseat later if you need it. You'll be able to get clothes for her later if you haven't got them done. Family will be there to help and NOBODY will care if those things are ready or not or if they have to help out after she arrives. They'll be more than happy to help (it's the only excuse Grandparents need to spend more time with her). Everything can be done later. Enjoying those precious moments with her, inside Mommy or outside, those won't wait. So no worries. She's safe and sound for now. She'll come out when it's time. And the docs (and her family) will have their hands out ready to catch just like with Lilly. Those other details are just that....details. And as always, still praying for your guidance, peace, and hopes to happen.
You are right. It's not fair. My thoughts and prayers are still with you!
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