Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Missing her...

"There are mothers who give birth to babies, too good for this world of men. They touch our lives for a moment, then travel Home again." ~Unknown

Missing my sweet babe.
Can't wait to show you all a picture of Valerie.  Just waiting to get the photos back.  Today we got her molds from the hospital and they are perfect!  Can't believe how teeny tiny her feet were.  Wish i could hold her just one more time. 
We have some other exciting news.  Kyle got accepted into law school!  He will be starting at IUPUI in August.  It will be a long 4 years as he tries to balance his family, full time job, school, and hockey :)  But hopefully in the end it will all be worth it.  I am so thrilled that Kyle got accepted and think he will make an amazing lawyer!  I love my handsome, sweet, & smart husband.  We are looking forward to this summer.  Kyle & his friends have been busy building a deck and a play set in our backyard!  We are so excited to be able to go outside and relax on our deck and watch Lilly play :) (And do lots of laying out!!) 

Monday, May 16, 2011

Thank You

Just wanted to take a minute to thank everyone for all of the thoughts, prayers, meals, cards, & flowers we have received.  We are so blessed to have a wonderful family and great friends!  I am still missing Valerie every single day.  I truly just feel like something is missing.  I carried Valerie for 9 months and all of sudden-she was gone.  I did have plenty of time to prepare, but I didn't think about how empty I would suddenly feel.   I'm sure there will always be a feeling that something is missing-no matter how much times passes.  

The wonderful nurse who took care of me at the hospital called me today.  When Valerie was born, they took molds of her hands & feet, and the nurse was calling to inform me that they were done and just beautiful.  She also asked permission to see if she could show off the molds at a bereavement nursing conference this week.  I am so happy that Valerie is already helping others!  Her molds will be at a conference to teach other nurses about how to handle bereavement situations.  I feel so proud of her :)

Lilly has done so well.  She occasionally asks where Valerie is or if i have another baby in my tummy.  She understands that Valerie lives in Heaven with Jesus.  The last few nights she has wanted to sleep with her baby Jesus from her Little People Nativity set, so I'm not sure if it has anything to do with Valerie or not. 

I will post a picture of Valerie soon :)

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Valerie's Birth Story

Valerie Ann Wong was born still on May 10, 2011 at 5:00 pm.  She weighed 3 lbs, 8 oz and was 16 3/4 in. long. 

Last weekend I just felt something was wrong.  I hadn't felt Valerie move in a couple of days, and since she is normally pretty active I knew something was wrong.  I was also very emotional all weekend, so I think inside I knew she was gone.  I woke up Monday morning and immediately asked my doctor to do a heartbeat check.  I went in, and unfortunately I was right.  They couldn't find a heartbeat.  She had passed away probably on the previous thursday or friday.  The last time I really felt her move was last wed. night. 

We decided to start my induction around 7am yesterday.  It went ok, but it was very different and much more painful than giving birth to Lilly.  I think I went too long without getting an epidural.  I finally got one, and I was only numb on my right side.  I felt EVERYTHING on my left side.  Every single contraction, the catheter, the pressure, etc...  After the epidural, I was immediately ready to push, so by the time the epidural kicked in on my left side I had already given birth.  If you read my birth story with Lilly, I felt absolutely nothing because of the epidural.  Once Dr. Rasbach came in, Valerie was born within minutes.  Even though she was breech, she came out fairly easy because she was small. 

I didn't know how I would feel after Valerie was born.  When we found out she had passed, we were of course very upset, but we had always known it was a possibility.  It was a little surprising to think she had made it so far, just to pass away at 36 weeks.  Honestly I think she knew that I needed to have her.  She knew I didn't want to make the decision between a regular birth & csection with her being breech.  She knew I needed to deliver at Riverview with my normal doctor instead of St. Vincents.  She just knew.  After she was born, I felt immediately at peace.  And I've felt peaceful every since it happened.  She is in Heaven and I just know my Meme is taking the best care of our baby. 

Valerie was absolutely beautiful.  Honestly, before she was born, I felt nervous to see her and what she might look like.  But she truly was a beautiful baby.  She had dark hair in the back, but blond eyebrows and tiny blond hair around her face.  Her lips and nose and little ears were so cute.  She ended up having six toes on each foot and six fingers on each hand.  But they were so perfect.  Just an extra tiny toe & finger with tiny nails.  The outfit we had for her was absolutely perfect.  We chose to have Valerie cremated since we really have no idea where we would all like to be buried.  And we want her to be buried with us in our plot eventually. 

I am feeling sad of course, but also very at peace knowing Valerie is in a better place.  We can't wait to see her again in Heaven!  It was a little disheartening going home with a memory box instead of a baby today, but we are ok.  For now we are ok, and hopefully we will stay ok :)  I'm sure i will have my moments, just like i did when i was carrying her, when all i want to do is cry for the amazing baby i lost.  Thanks so much for all of your thoughts and prayers during this difficult journey in our lives.