30 Weeks

Well I am 30 weeks pregnant today!  My official due date is June 9, and i have a feeling the next 2 months will fly by.  It doesn't get any easier the closer my due date gets, I would have to say it gets worse.  Every week when we go in for a heartbeat check, I get so nervous and worrried.  What if they don't find it?  When i don't feel her for a few hours, I really get worried.  Every move she makes is such a joy.  I was talking to Kyle last night, and asked What if Valerie is born alive, breathes on her own, and is doing well?  I guess with all the odds stacked against her and everything the doctors tell us, it is hard to think differently.  But there are cases where a child with Trisomy 13 lives.  They are severely handicapped, but living.  I think we need to prepare ourselves for what life will be like if Valerie does live, and comes home with us :)  We've been so busy preparing ourselves for what happens if she doesn't live, we've forgotten to think about what happens if she does.  We know that if she is meant to born alive and breathe on her own, God will make sure that is what will happen.  We are putting all our trust in Him and know that whatever happens is the right thing and what is supposed to happen.  Everything, including ours and Valeries futures, are in His hands.

So no new news here...just waiting and trying to think positively and praying for that miracle that we know is still a possibility.  I think the only things left to do are our weekly heartbeat checks/dr. visits and a visit to the NICU at St. V's.  I would love to have at least one more ultrasound in hopes of getting some good pictures of our little girl.  Although in less than 10 weeks, we will meet Valerie and see her beautiful little face! 

We have to move Lilly to her big girl bed soon.  But I am sooooooo dreading it!  She may surprise me, but i have a feeling she will be up multiple times during the night.  I like her safe & confined to her crib :)  We also still need to get rid of the stinking paci!  She actually does really well and only has it when she is in her crib.  She is really good about taking it out of her mouth and putting it down when I come and get her in the mornings.   Maybe we will make that transition after the bed?  Will it make her switch to the bed easier??  Any suggestions?  I am still SO happy she was never a thumb-sucker.  Much easier to throw away a paci instead of the thumb ;) 

We love both of our girls so much!!!! 

29 Weeks!

So this weekend my mom helped me cross two things off my list!  My amazingly talented mother took my maternity pictures.  She has her own business called Mar-K-Z Photography and even a studio!  The pictures turned out so well and i had so much fun being her model for the day!  I will post a few at the end of the post.  You can see the rest on my facebook page or you can "like" her business page: Julie Markz Photography.  I  also ordered Valerie's outfit.  We decided to order from a preemie website knowing she will probably weigh around 4-5 lbs. when she is born.  We ordered the sweetest little white dress, onsie, socks, and slippers.  Can't wait to get it!  I will also post a picture of it. 

Valerie weighs 2 pounds now!  We had an ultrasound yesterday and it was good to see her again.  She was moving around so much, it was hard to get a good face picture.  I am happy she has gained some weight; right now she is measuring about 3 weeks behind.  This was to be expected though.  She is not getting as many nutrients and oxygen as she should be getting because of the single umbilical artery.  Instead of 2 arteries and 1 vein, she has only 1 artery and 1 vein.  I hope that can gain at least 2 more pounds before she is born.  Only 10 weeks to go! 

I was reading a facebook status yesterday announcing a pregnancy, and caught myself thinking- oh man!  i wish i were pregnant!  Then i realized that oh yeah, i am pregnant.  I know i am, i am reminded every day by this sweet little girl kicking me constantly!  But, it doesn't feel the same.  Knowing our baby will not be born alive or will be very, very sick makes it not as real to me.  Just a feeling I had. 

Valerie's Dress

 29 Weeks! 

Taken by Mar-K-Z Photography.

Random Thoughts :)

So i've decided to get back into my deal shopping.  When i found out about Valerie, clipping coupons and planning out trips to the store was totally the last thing on my mind.  But, we are running out of our stockpile of toiletries.  Kyle is down to only 2 deodorants!  It's funny, i only shop the good deals for toiletries.  I think doing that to buy groceries would be way too time consuming.  Anyway, I started clipping the coupons again this weekend and it feels good.  Good that I'm doing something to take my mind off of our situation and the upcoming couple of months, and good that I'm saving money and doing something good for our family.  It really is amazing how much you save by using coupons!  Although we are very brand-loyal which makes it a little difficult since we won't use just anything. 

Last Saturday night, we were in the guest room (was supposed to be Valerie's room) cleaning.  Lilly was in there with us and said, 'this is Valerie's room!', and i just started crying.  Hearing her say things like that is just so heartbreaking.  She understands that there is supposed to be a little sister coming to live with us soon.  Sometimes I wish she didn't understand. 

I am still feeling Valerie move around like crazy!  I love it!!  I hardly ever felt Lilly move at all because her placenta was in the front acting like a pillow between me & her.  So feeling all of these movements are amazing, and I know it is her way of letting me know she is in there and she is a fighter!  Last night we were laying in bed, and you could just see my belly moving....so cool.  We get to have another ultrasound next tuesday to see how big she is and how she is doing so i can't wait for that!  All of these ultrasounds are ways for us to see our daughter as much as we can before she is not with us anymore so we loooooove them.  We also love all the pictures.  I need to work on getting her an album to put her many ultrasound pictures. 

Please pray for Lisa, who just lost her son to Trisomy 18.  Her blog is http://lisahusmann.wordpress.com/.  I know they did everything they could for their baby boy, but after 2 weeks, discovered he wouldn't be able to live without the ventilator.  Please add the Husmann family to your prayer list.  I am back to praying for a miracle for Valerie.  I don't want to be unrealistic, but if Valerie could just be born perfectly healthy with only 10 toes, a healthy heart, and no signs of trisomy 13, I will be absolutely thrilled :) 

Procrastinating

I feel like I am stalling and putting off all of the inevitable things that I need to do fairly soon.  I am 27 weeks tomorrow with our little Valerie, and while it doesn't seem like i need to hurry to get these things done, i know i do.  We have no idea how long Valerie will be with us.  I know I could lose her at any time, either now, in a few weeks, at her birth, a week after her birth, etc....  Our main prayer right now is that she is born alive so that we can meet her.  I would love for Lilly to meet her little sister and for the grandparents to meet her as well.  Here are the things I need to do to prepare for Valerie's birth:

• Get maternity pictures taken
• Order her special outfits
• Make burial arrangements (how?, where?, etc....)
• Pack our hospital bags, one for us & one for sweet Valerie
• Get molds to take with us so that we can have her footprints and handprints
• Call Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep to arrange for a photographer to be at the hospital when she is born
• Mentally prepare to lose our baby (working on this one daily...)
• Prepare Lilly in case Valerie does not come home with us
• Solidify birth plan

I am the queen of procrastination.  Always have been.  I tend to put things off until the last second.  Even when Lilly was born, I did not even think about giving birth until the time came.  I was struggling to wash & put away all of her new baby clothes while having contractions the day before she was born.  Hospital bags packed?  No way...Kyle threw things in a bag right before we left.  Car seat secured in car?  Not until we were on our way to the hospital!  So this is especially hard for me.  I know I do not have the luxury of waiting on Valerie to arrive to get these things done.  All of these things need to be done in advance, and i realize that, but i am just dreading doing every single one of those things.  It makes our time with her seem like so much less.  When we first found out the diagnosis, i still had like 4 1/2 months left until my due date.  I now have probably 2 months, 2 1/2 at the most.  I know if I asked, I could have help.  My mom & Kyle's mom would do any of these things the second I asked, but I don't want help.  I want to be able to do these things for Valerie myself, I just wish I didn't have to. 

I don't want to do any of these things.  I want to be buying adorable baby clothes, decorating her room, cleaning all of the baby things (carseat, toys, swing, pump, etc...), and getting so excited about her birth.

It's not fair.

LILLY!

3 Reasons Why I Don't Want Lilly to Grow Up:

Keep in mind all of these things happened yesterday and she was at school and Grandma Robin's house all day!  Also keep in mind Lilly is only 2 years and 5 months old.

1. Getting in trouble at school:  Apparently Lilly was a "handful" at her bible school yesterday.  We don't know specific details (grandma will find out later), but on her way out the door, her teacher mentioned her being a handful.  I asked lilly what happened at school and she claims she hit a little girl named Nemo??? because she hit her first.  I highly doubt this is true because.....

2. Not telling the truth:  As i was putting Lilly to bed last night she casually mentioned that she ate dog food.  I responded with "WHAT?????" and basically freaked out.  I asked how she got the dog food.  She said Anna, her cousin who is 9 months older, gave it to her.  I even asked her where Anna got it, and she said 'the box.'  Now I believed her because her grandparents do have a dog and she spent the day there with Anna.  I also have a feeling Lilly & Anna are going to get in a lot of trouble together as they get older :)  Anyway, I called her grandma and she insisted that Lilly did NOT eat dog food.  They were never alone together all day long. 

3.  Scared of the dark:  Lilly has never been scared the dark, actually she has never been scared of anything.  So when she woke up at 2:30 this morning saying she was scared because it was dark, I was surprised.  Is it time for a nightlight? 

So, basically Lilly is just growing up way too fast and I want her to stop now!  I feel like just months ago we were worried about potty training, changing to a big girl bed, and getting rid of the paci and now we are worried about getting in trouble at school, lying, and being scared of the dark!!!  Slow down Lilly girl, you are still my baby!!!  I just looooooooove her so much.  She is truly the best thing that has happened to Kyle & I, and we have no idea what we even did before her!   Lilly is 2 going on 10.  She is so funny and says the cutest stuff all day long.  I love that I get to be home with her all day and if she is away she is at one of her grandma's houses or school. 

She loves:

• Disney movies, especially 101 Dalmations, Snow White, & Toy Story  (I can't wait to give her Bambi on Easter!)
• Coloring and Stickers
• Helping mommy do 'work'-she loves vacumming, doing dishes, folding laundry, etc...  I wonder if she will still love it when I actually want her to help me!
• Her Valerie Bear
• Anything princess related
• Her babies
• Cheese....seriously this girl lives on cheese, milk, and noodles
• Going to school- She goes every Wednesday morning to a Bible school and next year I have her enrolled in preschool Tues. & Thurs. mornings from 9-11:15!!
• Stalling a bedtime: She has to go potty, poopy, have a drink, get her paci washed over & over again!

LOVE HER!