Valerie Ann Wong was born still on May 10, 2011 at 5:00 pm. She weighed 3 lbs, 8 oz and was 16 3/4 in. long.
Last weekend I just felt something was wrong. I hadn't felt Valerie move in a couple of days, and since she is normally pretty active I knew something was wrong. I was also very emotional all weekend, so I think inside I knew she was gone. I woke up Monday morning and immediately asked my doctor to do a heartbeat check. I went in, and unfortunately I was right. They couldn't find a heartbeat. She had passed away probably on the previous thursday or friday. The last time I really felt her move was last wed. night.
We decided to start my induction around 7am yesterday. It went ok, but it was very different and much more painful than giving birth to Lilly. I think I went too long without getting an epidural. I finally got one, and I was only numb on my right side. I felt EVERYTHING on my left side. Every single contraction, the catheter, the pressure, etc... After the epidural, I was immediately ready to push, so by the time the epidural kicked in on my left side I had already given birth. If you read my birth story with Lilly, I felt absolutely nothing because of the epidural. Once Dr. Rasbach came in, Valerie was born within minutes. Even though she was breech, she came out fairly easy because she was small.
I didn't know how I would feel after Valerie was born. When we found out she had passed, we were of course very upset, but we had always known it was a possibility. It was a little surprising to think she had made it so far, just to pass away at 36 weeks. Honestly I think she knew that I needed to have her. She knew I didn't want to make the decision between a regular birth & csection with her being breech. She knew I needed to deliver at Riverview with my normal doctor instead of St. Vincents. She just knew. After she was born, I felt immediately at peace. And I've felt peaceful every since it happened. She is in Heaven and I just know my Meme is taking the best care of our baby.
Valerie was absolutely beautiful. Honestly, before she was born, I felt nervous to see her and what she might look like. But she truly was a beautiful baby. She had dark hair in the back, but blond eyebrows and tiny blond hair around her face. Her lips and nose and little ears were so cute. She ended up having six toes on each foot and six fingers on each hand. But they were so perfect. Just an extra tiny toe & finger with tiny nails. The outfit we had for her was absolutely perfect. We chose to have Valerie cremated since we really have no idea where we would all like to be buried. And we want her to be buried with us in our plot eventually.
I am feeling sad of course, but also very at peace knowing Valerie is in a better place. We can't wait to see her again in Heaven! It was a little disheartening going home with a memory box instead of a baby today, but we are ok. For now we are ok, and hopefully we will stay ok :) I'm sure i will have my moments, just like i did when i was carrying her, when all i want to do is cry for the amazing baby i lost. Thanks so much for all of your thoughts and prayers during this difficult journey in our lives.
4 comments:
I've been thinking about you today. I'm so sorry for your loss. Thank you so much for sharing your story with all of us. You and your sweet family continue to be in my prayers!
I've been praying for you guys and will continue to do so. I'm so sorry for your loss, but rejoicing with you that she is in Heaven and you will see her again.
I don't know you but my heart goes out to you. There is a wonderful website nowilaymedowntosleep that you might find hekpful. Alttough its a forum for photgraphers and families of newborns taken to early, there are a lot iof families. And a forum with ideas for preserving memories, ciping, and support. Also if you have photos, there are photographers who will color correct, retouch and add a professional flair free of charge for you. Peacd and prayers
My cousin went through induction, labor, and giving birth to a stillborn (and knew beforehand). It's hard and even though I was in the room for the delivery (she asked my Mom and I to be there with her), I can't imagine the loss. And recently, my cousin is experiencing loss again because the date of his birth/death was in May and she had lost all the photos of him, the teddy bears the nurses gave her, and other items they kept. I hope that the pictures and all the other items give you peace like they did my cousin all these years. I'm glad you were able to see her, hold her (although not exactly like you wished), and you found some peace through this heartache. I'm still keeping you in my prayers.
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