Thursday, October 30, 2014

I know i haven't blogged in a long time, so i thought i would update today.  Things are going well.  My radiation is over and right now I am just doing hormone therapy.  I get a shot once a month and take a medicine called Tamoxifen every day.  The bones in my hip and back are still growing and getting stronger.  Its hard to believe that in July I was walking around with bone fractures in my lower back and hip! I could barely walk and trying to take care of Lilly & Landon, keep my house clean, make dinner, etc....all by myself since Kyle was at work during the day and in class at night. I would have kept going until I fell down with a broken hip!  I finally broke down and called my mom and told I just couldn't do it anymore!  I couldn't pick up landon or even reach down to get the clothes out of the dryer!  I am still in some pain, but am off all pain medicine.  I am still using my walker (and hating it!). I don't want people to stare or feel sorry for me or wonder why a 31 year old woman has to use a walker.  Last night we had dinner out at Applebees. Lilly spilled her chocolate milk all over my lap and i was so embarrassed to walk out.  Did the 31 year old with a walker pee her pants too??  I just can't help but to have these thoughts.  I am trying so hard to stay positive though.  Even though I have Stage 4 cancer, I am hopeful for my future.  I still have my moments when I can't bear to think about what is happening. I have cancer that will never leave my body??  I will eventually have to have chemotherapy??  I know that everyone is dying and NO ONE can predict their tomorrow, but I just feel like my days are more numbered than most.  I can't help but feeling cancer (a horrible, terrible word I can barely say) is just a death sentence!!  When I get like this, Kyle is great at talking to me and saying all the right things.  He always helps put things in perspective and makes me feel good again. 
 I can't wait until the day I can pick Landon up again and not have a caretaker.  I LOVE my mother being here with me and am so thankful to have her, but I'm ready to get my life back.  I'm ready to be able to take care of my children, change landon's diaper, put him in his bed, make them dinner.....I'm getting there, slowly, but it is happening.  I stayed with Landon for a few hours today, and it was great! I am still working on getting my appetite back.  I can still just eat "light" foods and no dairy!! 
I want to thank EVERYONE who came to the benefit, donated to our medical bills (because we have a TON), bought my kids birthday presents, said a prayer, sent a card, brought a meal, etc.....  I am so thankful to have so many people pulling for me.  It means so much to me and brings me to tears just thinking about it.  Please just keep praying for this cancer to completely leave my body (I believe in miracles!!!). 

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